I have always battled with self-image amongst other problems, but felt that I wanted to write my story in this blog so that hopefully I can inspire those going through similar issues.
Ever since my early teen years I recall that I never felt comfortable in my own skin.
I was obsessed with looking in the mirror and only seeing my imperfections. I felt fat even though I always had a slender frame. I would come up with different ways that I could change my appearance, how I felt about my looks and how I thought others perceived me. I hated the thought of wearing swimwear at the beach or pool and getting undressed at school for P.E was almost impossible.
I was bullied in school for having braces, dressing and looking 'alternative' and although I felt that had a good selection of friends, I was never truly happy.
Throughout the years that followed, I struggled with depression, anxiety and most of all, my relationship with food. I was phobic of trying unfamiliar tastes and textures and like my childhood years, I remained only eating foods I knew I liked. This mainly consisted of carbohydrates and fatty foods.
As a fussy vegetarian it made it very embarrassing and almost impossible to eat out at restaurants. I would only ever order chips, my 'safe' food. I stayed fairly slim though, but I was still unhappy with my body.
In my late teens and early twenties I battled with addiction to drugs and alcohol as they served a swift way to stay slim. I only knew how to get skinnier by starving myself of nutrients and replacing them with chemicals. I would put certain appetite suppressants in my water and drink it throughout the day at college. Then I would smoke weed in the evenings and binge eat on sugary treats. At the age of eighteen, I was at my smallest and wearing clothes sized 6-8. I looked gaunt and paler than usual, but I didn't care. I still didn't feel right.
Thankfully with help from the NHS, food groups, several courses of cognative behavioural therapy, several years of counselling and my incredibly supportive family I have led a much healthier life in the last few years.
Until recently (like most women I'm sure) I struggled with fad diets, IBS, headaches, uncontrollable weight gain and weight loss through stress and medication, conflicting thoughts of feeling proud of being a curvier size 12-14 and shame that I no longer fit in my 'skinny jeans'. But I knew that ultimately, the only way to lose weight healthily was to do it gradually and safely.
My healthier lifestyle journey began four days ago on the 10th of May 2015.
I decided to cut out processed foods, potato, white rice and bread.
Don't get me wrong, I will allow cheat days but need to remain in control.
Obviously I do not see any results as of yet, but I already feel much better and haven't experienced any stomach pain or bloating for a few days.
I've been drinking two litres of water daily and snacking between meals on healthier foods. My skin is beginning to look clearer, I feel mental clarity and have fewer headaches.
Although the first few days have been tough and I've mostly been hungry constantly through trying to reduce portion sizes, I am amazed at the immediate benefits.
I took a big leap out of my comfort zone and visited the gym today to discuss a workout plan with a personal trainer. I booked myself in for a couple of classes during the next week too. The gym has always been a difficult place for me to be. My anxieties heighten ten-fold and I just generally feel uncomfortable but my P.T was really supportive and suggested using certain equipment near the windows.so.I could look outside and try to remain calm.
I have taken my 'before' photos along with measurements and also a video of myself reaffirming the reasons I have chosen to start this journey.
Whether or not I will post my photos, I'm unsure, but I plan to write in this blog reguarly to record my progress.
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